It’s no secret at this point that I’m a child of the ‘80s and ‘90s. Yes, some of you may only afford yourself the one true childhood decade identity, but I needed at least two, (or perhaps more) to do my growing up. The ‘80s sparked my love for big hair and the power ballad (my friends in karaoke know this all too well). The ‘90s took me in a new direction with some faster beats and tighter jeans, and that’s where I landed this morning…right smack in the middle of 1991 minus my prized Farlow Jeans, of course.
As the title of this post implies, Salt-n-Pepa’s chart-topping single was in my head this morning, and while the hip-hop trio so eloquently invited us to talk about s-e-x, I’m not going there now, at least not until we get to know each other a little better.
Instead, let’s talk about “likes.” We are all desperate for them, no? I mean, why post anything if we’re not actually looking for folks to agree with us or give us some encouragement, advice or support? I am not without guilt here. Luckily for me, Facebook has not yet launched the dislike button as the thumbs down would crush me, although, I do know you can now “snooze” me from your newsfeed (devastating). A side note for Mr. Zuckerberg if you’re out there—I would love to trick out my page with some custom buttons. I could stand behind a “Mweh” button that would let me know I need to work harder for the likes or a “Can I get a what-what?!” button that would let me know folks really get me. Perhaps a wild card, “Fill in your own feeling here, but lead with kindness” button.
But what are the likes really about? What are we looking for out there in the vast cyberspace universe? Is it community? Empathy? Encouragement? Bragging rights? A place to park our inner thoughts so we feel less alone? Or, do we crave a simple reminder to our personal timelines of the happy moments and milestones amid the daily trials and tribulations?
Whatever the reason, and as much as I truly disdain the thought, Facebook has many merits. It’s an amazing way to connect and reconnect distant family and friends. It has been a positive tool for small and big businesses (although the latest newsfeed algorithm may change that). It’s an innocent voyeurs dream come true (admit it, you have spied on your childhood archnemesis or an ex once or twice, maybe more). It’s a place to tell the universe just how fantastic or monumentally awful your life is. This one is a hard pill for my former journalist self to swallow, but it can also serve as a source of news (I implore you though to ignore the abundance of fake news and conspiracy theories).
Advantages aside, we have to look at the downside of cyber living. Without intending to, social media has given sanctuary to judgmental voices and cyberbullies, i.e., the haters. Opposition is important to growth, but character assassination is categorically unacceptable on Facebook or otherwise. Choosing our words wisely has become more important than ever, yet, some of us fail to pause before posting. You haven’t lived unless you have experienced the pain of putting your foot in your mouth once or twice so pausing before posting should be a thing. My inbox asks me if I’m sure I want to delete an email before I do—maybe Facebook and Twitter should have a default message that comes up when we hit the post button: “Are you really certain you want to post this for the entire world to see because remember you can’t unsee or unsay ANYTHING?”
By opening ourselves up to the virtual world, we have let our guards down and put ourselves in danger in a boundary-less free for all. Every relationship expert out there tells us healthy relationships must have boundaries, but cyber relationships have none. Facebook and its social media sisters have urged a virtual connection, but I wonder if they have stripped us of our relationship work ethics. I worry that we have forgotten how hard we need to work to maintain our physical and emotional connections with live people.
How did we do it before the dawn of Facebook? Living virtually has added a layer to our lives, but has it taken something tangible away? Do we connect less one-on-one? Are we more lonely among our “friends” in this virtual world we’re regularly updating? We are talking face-to-face one moment and then telling our dinner date, “Wait a minute, I just have to post a photo of this dish so my hundreds of virtual friends can see it, even though you, my friend, are sitting right in front of me.”
When I go to school plays, soccer games and dance recitals, I am amid a sea of smiling faces, but our smiles are buried behind iPhones and android devices snapping pictures and taking videos. If we don’t capture it, did it actually happen? If we don’t post it, are we not proud, was it not good enough? Our world becomes so small when we view it through those little screens. The experience of watching through a phone just seems to limit our ability to truly soak in the moment. Yet, we just can’t stop ourselves. It’s an awfully odd way to live, but here we are living virtually, shallow and broad. I am guilty again. The very nature of blogging is putting my words out there so I can get as many people to like my posts as possible.
Do you remember talking on the phone with your high school friends and your crushes? On my college application, I recall being asked my favorite saying and the answer was: “Kristen, telephone!” Now I’m texting instead of talking and emailing instead of writing a letter. Who has time to talk? We need to accomplish more and efficiency demands brevity.
Is the quest for the virtual pats on the back healthy? I wish I could answer that. Am I a complete hypocrite? God, I hope not, but perhaps at times, I am. You know what I really hope, though? I hope that you’ll like this post. Even more, I hope I can figure out why it matters so much to me that you like it. What’s the algorithm that defines how successful a post is? How many likes is enough? It’s a vicious cycle.
Oh Mr. Maslow, what have we done to your hierarchy of human needs? It used to be simple and now we have gone and made it complicated… food, water, shelter, safety, love/belonging triple-digit Facebook likes.
Yikes.